Valley of Tomorrows
by katben08
Summary: Follows the storyline of Townhouse Incident and beyond through the eyes of Rafael Barba. How will healing take place? Will they be able to work through whatever demons resurface? And what happens when Noah's health is compromised in ways neither of them saw coming? Established Barson. Barba POV.
1. Chapter 1

Valley of Tomorrows

 **Summary:** Follows the storyline of _Townhouse Incident_ and beyond through the eyes of Rafael Barba. How will healing take place and their worlds change after Olivia's life is at risk – again. Will they be able to work through whatever demons resurface? Will their worlds ever be even remotely the same? Established Barson.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Law & Order: SVU, any of the characters, or any of the storylines referenced from the television show. I am making no profit off of this work of fiction. Any names, places, or events having similarity to real life occurrences are simply coincidence. Title comes from the song _Valley of Tomorrows_ by Needtobreathe.

 **A/N:** First fanfiction in years. I'm a Barson fan... and Tuckson from Manhattan Transfer really drove me nuts, so we're going AU from Townhouse Incident on. Enjoy, friends!

* * *

 **Chapter One**

Rafael adjusted the sleeves on his suit jacket as he walked out of the DNA conference, shaking his head at the missed call and text message from Dodds, informing him they needed him at the precinct. If nothing else, it explained why Olivia never made it to the seat he'd been saving for her. She'd never made a snide remark or bothered to nudge him carefully so no one would notice. Yet, the text message explained it all.

She was never one to walk away when her squad needed her.

As he took a cab to the precinct, Rafael mused about his life in the last several months. His friendship with Olivia had continued to develop until the day, about six months ago, when he sat with Noah on his lap, laughing as the toddler spilled another Cheerio on his too-expensive-suit to wear around a child and Olivia's eyes lit up as she realized someone else loved her son indescribably.

Everything changed that night. They laid Noah down for bed, Olivia reading him a bedtime story as Rafael sat to the side, smiling involuntarily at her soothing voice, the kiss to her son's forehead. He had bid Noah sweet dreams before leading the way back to the living room. Liv fell onto the couch, making room for him. As soon as Rafael sat beside her, she kissed him gently.

It took another two months before they put a label to the comfortable relationship they'd found, but the unspoken rule was that thy were each other's and he had taken no issue with being a permanent fixture in the lives of Noah and Olivia each evening and most weekends. Though, the day he made her talk about it, Olivia pushed back as hard as she could, saying she didn't want to ruin what they had by complicating it. Rafael, however, couldn't leave it be.

"If I'm going to be part of Noah's life, I want it to be real, Olivia," he'd argued simply, standing across the room from her with his arms crossed. "I want to know that I'm in your life whether we fight over something petty or things have been going swimmingly for months. I can't lose either of you, so I just need your word."

Liv had spent a few moments staring at the door to her son's room. Rafael hadn't given her any reason not to trust him. After all, he knew absolutely everything she'd been through with Lewis, he knew almost all of her darkest secrets, and he didn't judge. He didn't run. He didn't ever hurt her – even when he was horribly forward and needlessly harsh with his honesty. He would never intentionally break her – not mentally, emotionally, or physically. In his mind, there was no reason why this commitment should be so hard for her.

"Okay," she'd said with a simply shrug. "You're my boyfriend, but we don't need to make a big deal out of this."

Rafael smiled as he walked up to squad room of the 1-6th. Her squad didn't know yet, though it would have to change soon – he was certain. He was ready for a next step. Something Rafael Barba had never pictured himself being ready for. He wanted to be Noah's father and Olivia's knight-in-shining-armor until the day they died. He wanted more than just a key to her apartment and standing invitation – he wanted them to be a family together. He also didn't want to be silent about it at work anymore. Life was too short; it wasn't worth hiding from the truth.

Dodds ushered him through the door to watch the interrogation taking place. He noticed that Olivia wasn't visible, but he figured she was caught up on something. She always had work to do. Even with a toddler at home and relationship being nurtured, she found a way to get lost in taking care of the next victim. It was one of the things Rafael both loved about her and wished he could change sometimes.

His mind was in a different place as he offered his affirmation of the squad and asked for Olivia. It was a common question, Rafael figured, that wouldn't ever elicit concern. He needed to confirm all of the details with their commanding officer. Quick meetings between the two of them would never be uncommon.

It took seconds, however, for everything to change and move into hyper-drive. Carisi talking to Lucy, who didn't seem to process Barba's presence as anything unusual in her own fear, reading her text message, feeling nauseous at the name of William Lewis, trying to call Liv with no answer; it all moved faster than he liked as they sprang into motion, Dodds ordering the team to go check out the house as he notified 1 P.P. of the development, ordering a trace on Olivia's cell phone.

Rafael murmured something about needing to check on something at his office before calling Liv's cell phone again as he walked out of the squad room, waiting to see exactly what he could do to help her.

"Answer your damn phone, Olivia," he hissed into the receiver as he heard it fall to voicemail again.

* * *

The rest of the day seemed to last for years. After Rafael had initially found out that she was being held as a hostage, he made his way to the crime scene and did whatever he could to help. He couldn't be too testy, but his Cuban heritage helped. So did his reputation. Barba knew he could pull off any number of sarcastic, snippy, or angry remarks and still seem completely normal to those around them. Everyone knew that he and Olivia had a friendship, so it only made sense that his awareness of the situation was heightened – similar to her squad, but entirely different at the same time.

Entirely different.

He was receiving regular updates from Lucy and every phone call where he could hear Olivia's voice, even for a second, evened his breathing. As long as she was alive, they could get through this. He silently prayed that Olivia stuck to the script instead of turning into a hero. Noah needed her to stick to the script. His breath caught in his throat as he thought about the toddler at home with Lucy. How would they tell Noah about his mom? Worse yet – who would take care of him? Rafael hated that he didn't have those answers, that the conversation had never come up. That he hadn't forced it.

It wasn't until he heard someone shout that they were coming out at the Garden Level that he stopped thinking to himself and walked out onto the street, tucked behind Carisi with his eyes trained on the woman walking out, a hand connected to each of the kids and a gun to her head. Barba swallowed hard, forcing himself to stay calm, cool and collected.

Liv could do this. He believed that whole-heartedly. That knowledge, however, didn't do anything to abate his fears. Nothing about this situation was normal or comfortable, and some small part of him wondered how close she was to breaking. He could see the fear radiating off of her. Very few probably could, but he was the one watching the closest when William Lewis had questioned her in court. He was the one who had walked through the nightmare of reliving those four days of trauma over and over as they prepped for trial. He knew her – inside and out.

Her voice shook slightly as the kids ran from Joe and Barba felt himself let out a deep breath, watching as Olivia played her cards. He kept reminding himself that she was trained for situations like this. If anyone could survive them with grace and elegance, it would be her.

Rafael looked away for a split second, running a hand over his perfectly tamed hair before shoving his hands back in his coat pockets. That's when the shot came and he hadn't seen what was happening. His stomach dropped and he could have sworn that he was going to vomit as he forced himself to look. Expectations were low. He was preparing to see Olivia on the ground, hurt. Yet, she wasn't. She was covered in blood, but she was safe. They were running to her and the only thing Rafael wanted was to take her into his arms and assure her she was fine, but he couldn't make himself move. He wasn't a member of her squad, he wasn't even a member of the NYPD. He was their ADA. He had helped where he could, but the reality was that he wasn't currently needed on scene.

She was asking about Noah. He reached for his cell phone again, ready to have Lucy bring Noah to them when Fin stepped over. "We're taking her to the hospital to get checked out," he told Barba. His voice was rough, laced with the frustrations of the day wearing him thin. Barba could hear it in all of them, but no one else was talking just to him. "Then they'll need her statement. You know the drill, counselor. But she's okay."

Momentarily Rafael wondered if Fin was telling him as more than a friendly courtesy, but he quickly dismissed the thought. No one knew, as far as he was concerned, and he could pass anything off as a friendship. He sighed, nodding slowly. "Good work today," he continued, shocked by how tired he sounded. The adrenaline had kept them all moving – the need to protect one of their own overwhelmingly present. Now came the moment where everything fell. Now, they were free to feel.

Barba felt the hand on his shoulder for a fleeting moment before he was alone in the middle of the street again, surrounded by many of NYPD's finest, combing the scene. Olivia was already in an ambulance with Tucker. While Rafael wanted to be there, he knew better. He accepted a ride back to his office where he would gather his things and take a cab to Liv's place. It was the only option. The only logical thing was to scoop Noah into his arms and wait for her to walk safely through the door.

* * *

As he walked into his office, Rafael gathered a couple of case files. It was going to be a long, sleepless night. He was almost positive. The only reprieve would be if Olivia was so tired sleep overtook her. Even at that, Rafael didn't think he would be closing his eyes. He needed to protect her. He needed to hold her.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he fished it out, his lips turning up at the corners as he noted Olivia's name flashing across the screen. He desperately needed to hear her voice, to know for himself that she was truly alive and safe. He quickly accepted the call, leaning against his desk, one arm draped haphazardly over his torso.

"Barba," he answered, but his voice wasn't firm and forceful. It was filled with a gentleness that Rafael reserved for Olivia. It wasn't his victim voice, it wasn't manipulative, and there wasn't a hint of sarcasm. It was filled with love and longing.

"Noah," she said simply. He could hear the tears in her voice, but she seemed steadier than he had initially expected. "I called Lucy and told her you'd watch Noah until I got home."

"I'm on my way there as soon as we hang up," he stated agreeably, not certain if it was the time or place to even ask how she was. She would be home soon enough, he figured, but he still needed to know. He reached for his briefcase before moving toward the door, preparing to lock the door behind him. "I'll give him his bath and make sure he gets to bed. We'll be okay, I promise."

"No, no," she insisted from the other end and Rafael sighed, not certain what Olivia wanted from him.

He sighed, "Okay. We'll wait up for you."

"Okay," she agreed. "I have to go. They need my statement."

Rafael stepped outside onto the street, looking at the people walking by before poising himself to wave down a taxi. "We'll wait for you," he assured her again. "I love you, Liv."

He knew she couldn't answer. Not until they'd disclosed their relationship would she be able to agree with him publicly, but he could say it all he wanted. He heard her release a slow breath, though, and knew that she was relieved. He hung up the phone, hailing the next cab that came by and giving the address.

"Thanks again, Lucy," Rafael insisted, watching her as she left the apartment and walked down the stairs, slipping into her brother's car. She often got a ride from him and he felt safe knowing she was in her car. He turned back to the living room, watching Noah play with his new doctor's kit and sighed softly. He'd eaten, according to their sitter, and seemed content. It was already past the toddler's bedtime, but Liv clearly needed him to be accessible when she got home.

However late that may be.

Rafael walked to the kitchen and started brewing a pot of their dark roast coffee. He'd slipped out of his coat and suit jacket, removed his vest and tie, and had popped the top button on his checkered shirt. As he pressed his palms into the counter, he let out a deep grunt, unable to scream and curse at his total frustration from the day.

He didn't even have words to describe all of the emotions he had been forced to experience, but if it had been stressful for him, he couldn't imagine Olivia's state of mind. He pulled back from the counter, rolling up his sleeves before rummaging for his favorite mug. It had been Olivia's, navy blue with a white NYPD across the front. Simple, but it had quickly become his when they were home.

He left it on the counter by the coffee pot and wandered back to the living room. Noah toddled over to him, latching onto Rafael's leg. Originally, Rafael wasn't sure about the tiny human who had to have all of his needs provided for him. The ADA would have preferred to have contact purely with independent, capable people who could get their own snacks, but Noah had grown on him in ways he couldn't describe.

Reaching down, Rafael lifted Noah into his arms and ran a hand over his hair. He kissed the child's forehead gently, sitting on the couch and keeping Noah close.

"Mama?" Noah asked innocently, his voice quiet and questioning, eyes searching around the apartment. Occasionally, this happened. Liv would call and ask Rafael to watch Noah until she was home. Rafael had taken to the job quite nicely, but this seemed so different, and he was certain Noah could tell. The toddler let out a quiet yawn, his cheek falling into Barba's shoulder.

He smiled softly, trying to keep himself calm so Noah couldn't sense any anxiety.

"Yeah, little man. Mama will be home soon, I promise," he murmured, rubbing Noah's back as he heard the coffee maker start to bubble and release steaming liquid that would have to wait for a little while longer. "She had a bad day," Rafael explained, knowing the words were, in some ways, above Noah's head. "But she's going to need us to be strong for her when she gets here. She's going to need you, buddy."

Noah nodded, his small hand reaching to grasp Rafael's shirt as he started to drift off in the ADA's arms. He glanced back over his shoulder at the coffee pot, starting to fill up and sighed gently.

Yes, the coffee was going to have to wait longer than he'd hoped, but Rafael didn't count it as too much of a loss. Besides, what he could use at the moment wasn't truly coffee. He needed something stronger. He needed scotch.


	2. Chapter 2

Valley of Tomorrows

 **Summary:** Follows the storyline of _Townhouse Incident_ and beyond through the eyes of Rafael Barba. How will healing take place and their worlds change after Olivia's life is at risk – again. Will they be able to work through whatever demons resurface? Will their worlds ever be even remotely the same? Established Barson.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Law & Order: SVU, any of the characters, or any of the storylines referenced from the television show. I am making no profit off of this work of fiction. Any names, places, or events having similarity to real life occurrences are simply coincidence. Title comes from the song _Valley of Tomorrows_ by Needtobreathe.

 **A/N:** This chapter came quickly. I wanted to turn out another right away. After this, updates may be slower. Reality of work, I suppose. I'm setting the scene - setting up their relationship, since we aren't blessed with any Barson cannon at this point in time. It'll pick up.

 **Chapter 2**

At some point, Rafael felt Noah's head fall heavily against his shoulder and heard a quiet gurgle before his breathing evened out and the toddler had fallen asleep, unable to last a second longer. He felt the slightest of smiles involuntarily grace his features as he stood up, taking Noah into his bedroom and changing him out of his sweater and into a pair of red footie pajamas with trucks on them.

He knew they were one of Noah's favorite pairs and Rafael wanted him to be as comfortable as possible for the night they were about to endure.

Retreating back to the living room, he laid Noah gently on the couch, finally going to the kitchen to pour coffee into his mug. He added a hint of creamer from their refrigerator and shut the door before returning to the couch, sitting next to Noah and turning on the TV. He muted the volume, simply watching the pictures as they scrolled by on the news. A story about the day's hostage situation flashed by, but it ended as quickly as it started.

Rafael sipped on the coffee in his mug, thankful that it was still hot. His eyes drifted shut until his phone vibrated again – a text message from Olivia stating that Tucker was driving her home and thanking Rafael for babysitting. It had become the easiest cover story. Rafael set his phone on the coffee table, finally slipping off his shoes and tucking them beneath it, mug still in his hand.

He didn't know what he would say to Olivia when she walked through the door, but he knew he would come up with something. Maybe words wouldn't even be necessary. In fact, the looks they exchanged often took the place of words. Besides, she would just be glad to have her son in her arms, safe and healthy. He hadn't been joking when he told Noah that his mama would need them to be strong.

Almost an entire mug of coffee later, he heard the door opening. It surprised him that they took so long – there was no way traffic could be that bad at this time of night. It was almost midnight. They had spent several hours having her checked out at the hospital and taking her statement. Surely no one was blaming Liv for the situation at hand? Rafael frowned as the thought crossed his mind, but quickly wiped the emotion from his face as she stepped inside, checking that she'd secured the locks on her front door before turning toward him.

Rafael stood immediately, taking in the woman who stood before him. At some point someone had provided her with generic NYPD sweats – likely to get her out of the bloody clothes she'd been wearing earlier. She hadn't showered yet, but the blood spatter from Joe had been cleaned off of her skin. Her brown eyes met his green, and Rafael couldn't help but purse his lips, noting how blank they looked. He knew this hadn't been easy on her – every bone in his body screamed that this could be the biggest setback they could ever imagine – but he expected there to be relief at seeing her son, relief at Rafael's presence, or even from just walking into her own home.

He stepped to the side, revealing Noah's sleeping form. As he expected, Olivia took several quick, easy steps across the room, scooping her child into her arms. He watched carefully as she ran a hand over his hair and kissed his forehead, murmuring greetings to Noah who opened his eyes long enough to take in the sight of his mother before his fingers clutched her sweatshirt and he rested his head on her shoulder. Liv sat in a chair, hugging her child close with no further words.

Sensing her need for a moment of peace, Rafael walked into the kitchen and retrieved two wine glasses. He found a bottle of cabernet and poured two moderate servings, one for each of them. While he would prefer something stronger, there were still conversations to be had. Those conversations would require some semblance of sobriety, even if he knew it would be hard. Olivia needed him, even if she didn't want to admit it.

He walked to the living room, sitting on the couch adjacent to her and setting her wine glass on the end table, slowly sipping at his own. His eyes were trained on the mother and son. She didn't look like she would ever set him down.

"He hung on as long as he could," Rafael finally offered, their first interaction since the phone call that was only necessary so she could make certain her son was cared for. Rafael, normally very witty and confident with other people, was at a complete loss for words.

Olivia looked over to him and he found himself examining her bruises from a distance. It looked painful, Rafael decided. She smiled sadly before turning her attention back to Noah. "I just kept thinking that I may never see him again," she replied simply, her voice scratchy and laced with exhaustion. She was hanging on, however. She wasn't sleeping anytime soon, he could tell, and Rafael had decided already that he would stay up with her. He didn't push for more information, though. Olivia's voice had a finality to it that indicated that she would talk when, and only when, she was ready to share more.

Rafael nodded as she used her free hand to reach for her wine. He wasn't going to condone drinking more than a glass tonight, but he knew she deserved to have some small hint of pleasure in the moment she first came home. He glanced back to Noah, "You should probably let him sleep. You can cuddle with him more in the morning."

Olivia frowned. The look broke his heart, but she started to stand anyway. He could see that she was sore. Every movement was deliberate and calculated. Without thinking, he set his wine glass on the table in front of him and stood up, holding out his arms for Noah. Olivia reluctantly handed him over. "He didn't get a bath," Rafael explained simply. "You sit, I'll be right back."

It took but a moment to walk to Noah's bedroom, lay him in his toddler bed, and tuck him in gently. Rafael kissed his forehead, his touch gentle and cautious, not wanting to disturb the slumber that at least one member of their non-traditional family would get tonight.

After turning on the night light and cracking the door to the room, he walked back to the living room, observing Olivia as she moved to the couch. He sat down next to her, holding out his arm, allowing her to collapse into his side. He wished he'd changed already, but quickly dismissed the thought as he leaned down to kiss the top of Olivia's head, trying to ignore the dried blood that littered her scalp. He let his arm drape easily over her shoulder, his thumb floating back and forth over the sweatshirt material, using just enough pressure that he knew she could feel every movement.

They sat wordlessly for several minutes, and Rafael couldn't complain. To just hold her, to know that she was safe, was three-quarters of what he needed after such a long day. It wasn't everything, though. He needed to hear that she was okay, that Joe and Roxie hadn't done anything to hurt her beyond emotional trauma and a few bruises. He needed to know that there wasn't more to the story.

And somewhere, deep inside, he was also angry. He was angry with Joe and Roxie, even at Ralph. He was angry with Tucker for not being able to get her sooner and avoiding a bullet being so close to her. He was angry that he couldn't save her, but Tucker could. The part he hated the most, though, was that he was angry with Olivia.

She had gone to help someone, and he knew that, but she had stepped inside of a home without telling anyone, without having details about the situation. It could have been so much worse. It could have been the end.

Yet, Rafael knew that he couldn't talk about that. Not now, at least. Part of him knew it was irrational, too. Olivia was a cop, she needed to help people, it was what he loved about her, at least part of it. Suddenly, he found himself listing all of the things he loved about Olivia Benson.

How soft her hair was after she took a shower and dried it, the look in her eyes right after he would steal a morning kiss, the goofy grin that adorned her lips whenever Noah said a new word or learned a new skill, the feel of her hands as they explored each other's bodies and desires, the tenderness in her voice when a scared victim approached her and she had to take a statement, the way she held her own with a perp – even though he knew she had never fully lost the fear that developed after Lewis.

He loved everything about her, even when she made him angry and risked her own life.

"Penny for your thoughts," Rafael asked quietly, finally breaking their comfortable silence. He looked down at Olivia, staring over the top of her head and down her nose. She didn't speak right away, but he could tell she was thinking about it,

Olivia shrugged, biting her lower lip until she finally spoke, "I keep hearing Luca," she said quietly. "His cries as Joe took his sister into the other room, his desire to be with his mom." Rafael didn't move as he listened intently to every word, shaking his head. Sometimes, he didn't think he wanted to work SVU anymore. Part of him wondered if, once they disclosed, he would be transferred to work with another unit. The idea was occasionally tempting.

"You did everything you could," he said quietly, letting each word sink in for Olivia. He didn't know all of the details, but he knew enough. He also knew her.

She shook her head, he could feel the movement against his chest, but didn't speak. Rafael allowed her to sit quietly again, sipping on her wine and getting herself together – at least a bit. Eventually, when even his eyelids grew heavy, she sat up.

"I need to shower," he heard ring through the room. He nodded, looking at her intently before pulling his arm away. Rafael didn't know for certain how to help in this moment. He was so thankful she was home, but he wasn't sure she wanted him present.

"You're home," he murmured, nodding. It wasn't the exact response she was looking for, he assumed. But it was a factual statement that couldn't be argued. That was, potentially, his biggest fear in the moment. He didn't want to risk arguing after this. "I can leave?" He asked, trying to decide what his next step was. The ball was in Olivia's court.

She didn't move right away, though. Rafael felt as though their world was moving slowly again, he had no control over the situation at hand, no ability to change whatever was going through Olivia's mind, no chances to pull him from his reverie and keep him from assuming the worst was about to happen. While he knew full well that they could manage to overcome this event together, he also knew that after such an experience, people were changed. They were changed for good. They would never be the same again.

After no response from Olivia, however, he decided it was best to make the next move. He clapped his hands against his thighs, nodding once before pushing himself off of the couch and taking a step toward his discarded clothing. He had just started to put his left foot in front of his right when a hand wrapped around his wrist. Rafael's lips parted in a look of surprise as he turned, his green eyes finding Olivia's brown as he took in the woman before him.

"Stay," she whispered, her voice finally shaking in his presence and he nodded. His hand flipped over in her grasp, long fingers curling firmly around the wrist of his lover as he tugged gently, encouraging her to stand. Trusting him implicitly, Olivia came to her feet, standing in front of Rafael easily. He took in her stance, feeling as though she'd shrunk three inches in the last day. It wasn't realistic; he knew she hadn't. Yet, something wasn't the same anymore.

He shed the feeling almost as quickly as it came, reaching forward to take Olivia into his arms. Muscular, strong arms wrapped around her as she raised her own to cling to him desperately, letting out a heart-wrenching sob. Rafael's eyes closed as he kept her close to him, refusing to take a step, refusing to move at all beyond his hand rubbing small, comforting circles over her back and his lips whispering sweet-nothings of comfort and safety into her ears.

He could feel every shake of her body. It was filled with fear and hurt. He wondered how strong she was as she gave her statement, how emotionlessly she'd been able to reveal everything that had happened in that house. He wondered if every demon they had spent so long overcoming would be back almost immediately.

Rafael couldn't tell how long they'd been standing there, but he knew it was longer than he'd ever expected. As her body relaxed, he reached for her hand again and led her to the master bathroom, turning on the shower and checking the temperature, making sure the warm water was hot enough to wash away her tension, but not so hot to scald her. Olivia was more than capable of showering herself, he reasoned internally, but if he could do anything to make her night thoughtless and easy, he would.

Rafael leaned forward to steal a gentle kiss from Olivia, who returned it easily and he smiled as she left her forehead to rest against his. "Shower," he instructed easily, taking away her need to make a decision about her next movements. He knew she might want control, but he also knew that it was sometimes easier in the immediate aftermath of trauma to have the decisions made simpler. "I'm going to get ready for bed. You can join me after."

Rafael started to step away again, but Olivia's voice stopped him. She spoke quietly, but her words held more weight than he cared to admit. "Rafi," she began. "What does this mean for us?"

He sighed gently, running his hand through his hair again. He could tell it was losing its perfect style from the number of times he'd anxiously played with it. His eyes met Olivia's before he spoke. "It means that things will change for a bit," he shrugged. "Probably forever. But it won't change that I'm here for you and Noah. It won't change how much I love you."

"I love you, too," she answered. The words allowed Rafael to physically relax as he smiled at her. He nodded motioning to the shower once more before leaving the bathroom, allowing the door to stay cracked. The night may be long and dark, but he knew there was light waiting for them with the new day.


	3. Chapter 3

Valley of Tomorrows

 **Summary:** Follows the storyline of _Townhouse Incident_ and beyond through the eyes of Rafael Barba. How will healing take place and their worlds change after Olivia's life is at risk – again. Will they be able to work through whatever demons resurface? Will their worlds ever be even remotely the same? Established Barson.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Law & Order: SVU, any of the characters, or any of the storylines referenced from the television show. I am making no profit off of this work of fiction. Any names, places, or events having similarity to real life occurrences are simply coincidence. Title comes from the song _Valley of Tomorrows_ by Needtobreathe.

 **A/N:** So, when I started this, I wanted to be in Barba's head so badly. I wanted to try to understand him more, to grow with him, to see how he would feel if the person he loved was at risk. I am not sure how I feel about where his head is right now, but I'm working on it. Some of his reaction may be OOC, but I think he's in a hard place. He loves Noah more than I expected, too, and so we're going to see a lot more of that in the future chapters after this one. Anyhow. Thank you for your kind reviews! They are wonderful! Please enjoy!

 **Chapter 3**

Despite having used some of his saved vacation days the days after the hostage situation, Rafael had no choice but to return to work only two days after the incident. He didn't want to leave Olivia home alone, but she had insisted she was fine. She'd seen Dr. Lindstrom, but still refused to share the details of what happened in that house with him. Barba was nothing short of frustrated and in the 36 hours since she had arrived home, they had argued multiple times.

Every time he offered a hint of concern or asked if she wanted to talk, Olivia snapped at him. It was getting old, Barba had decided, and the only reprieve was Noah's blissful ignorance. Until he snapped harshly at Liv that morning over breakfast; then Noah started crying and only his mother could truly console him.

The Cuban stood in the kitchen, preparing lunch. Noah was getting grilled cheese while he prepared Chicken Satay Melts for both himself and Olivia. He could hear the giggles of mother and child from the living room and it was the only thing helped him keep his cool. They needed to talk, and he wasn't going to run away from Olivia. Most people would back down. She was strong and stubborn, he knew that, but she was also committed to him, and that meant that he was committed to her. Commitment was not something Rafael took lightly. He never would.

Besides, maybe he needed someone to talk to as well. It wasn't as though he hadn't felt emotions that even he wasn't sure how to handle. Realizing that the love of his life might not walk out of the house he was staring at, hearing a gunshot and not being certain that she was okay, the entire situation had been stressful for both of them.

The fact that her nightmares were back didn't help, either.

He hadn't been sleeping through the night. Rafael would never complain about his lack of sleep, even though the cause was Olivia's restless slumber. He was more than willing to sit up all night long, rubbing her back, comforting her through the fears, and wiping away her tears. However, it was starting to wear on him, too. They were both struggling and as easy as it might be to sweep the issues under the rug, he knew it would only result in losing her. It wasn't a risk he was willing to take.

"Lunch," Rafael called out as he plated the sandwiches, already cutting Noah's into bite-sized pieces and including a small bowl of applesauce with his favorite blue spoon. He included apple slices and chips on his and Olivia's plates, the table being set for them. He set Noah's plate in front of the chair with the booster seat and colorful placemat.

Making his way to the living room, he smiled as Olivia gathered the blocks they'd been playing with into a single contained area and Rafael scooped up Noah. Fortunately, the toddler had recovered from his reaction to Barba's harsh reaction to Liv earlier and wrapped his arms around the man carrying him. Rafael ruffled Noah's hair before walking to the kitchen.

"I made you grilled cheese, buddy. And applesauce. I bet if you're good, we could convince Mama to give you a cookie for dessert," he spoke, settling Noah into his seat and securing a bib around his neck to protect his clothes. He was wearing dark wash jeans and an orange and blue plaid flannel shirt. Rafael had tried to dress him in something classier that morning, but Noah had cried until Rafael picked out the correct shirt.

He smiled at the thought as he watched Noah pick up a grilled cheese square and suck on it before biting off a corner and chewing on it. He giggled as he held it out to Rafael, pressing it against his lips. "Rafi! Eat!"

Laughing, Rafael reluctantly took a small bite of the grilled cheese, humming contently as he stepped away from Noah and pulled out a chair for Olivia. As he looked over to his girlfriend, he realized that she'd been watching their every move. Rafael momentarily wondered if she was going to snap at him again. Perhaps she had wanted to settle Noah in for lunch. Rafael hadn't asked if grilled cheese was okay, either, and Olivia could easily think that her son needed something different.

After several moments of silence – and a much softer look taking over her face with a soft smile – Rafael broke their stare and motioned to the chair. "You should join us for lunch," he suggested quietly. "I made satay melts. You liked them last time."

He couldn't tell what Olivia was thinking, but she stepped forward, pausing to kiss him before sitting down and reminding Noah to keep eating. Rafael hadn't even noticed that Noah had started watching the two of them.

Lunch went without a hiccup, though Olivia ate less than Rafael would have liked. Each of them indulged in a sugar cookie for dessert – though most of Noah's turned into crumbs that had spread across the entire table. The toddler babbled through the whole meal, keeping Rafael and Olivia entertained and intrigued. While his vocabulary had been expanding and growing in the last few months, very few could decode Noah's personal language. He didn't have quite enough words to make sense of everything, and he was shockingly quiet most of the time, but Olivia could seemingly follow all of it. Rafael thought it came from mother's intuition, but the more time he spent with Noah, the more he understood, too.

It had been a shockingly pleasant hour until Noah ran out of cookie and started getting irritable. First he'd reached for Olivia's and she explained lovingly that he wasn't allowed to take someone's food. He pushed his plate across the table forcefully, demanding a cookie. Rafael had explained that they each only had one cookie, but Noah was quickly losing patience for both sitting at the table and his exhibition of good behavior.

"It's nap time," Olivia explained as a tantrum began. Rafael heard her words and nodded simply. He'd experienced the routine more than once and wasn't even remotely offended by the two-year-old's outburst.

"Take him to his room," he said gently. "Lay him down for his nap. I'll clean up here." Leaning over, Rafael kissed Liv's cheek and began reaching for her plate, scraping her leftovers onto his own. He frowned as he realized that she had eaten less than half of her sandwich. Though, he wasn't surprised. They seemed to go through this cycle each time something stressful happened at work or set back her recovery. Rafael looked up to say something, but Olivia already had Noah in her arms, instructing him to tell Rafael he loved him. As Noah repeated the words, his small hands rubbed his eyes fiercely. Rafael lost all thought about what Olivia ate or how much and focused on the two people he loved most in front of him. He set down his silverware, stood up, and wrapped his arms around each of them.

In that moment, it didn't seem as hopeless. He didn't think that they wouldn't be able to overcome whatever demons faced them. Instead, he felt capable, calm, strong, and protective. He kissed Olivia before kissing Noah's temple. "I love you both so much," He insisted, his voice laced with sincerity and passion. "Have a good nap, sweet boy, and I'll see you when you wake up."

He kissed Olivia's cheek again before pulling back and picking up all of their plates, walking to the sink. Rafael counted Olivia's footsteps as she walked into Noah's room. Each one seemed to comfort him. They were reminders that she was still standing and functioning. She might have been hurt, but she wasn't broken. Olivia was unbreakable.

He smiled to himself as he let his mind wander to how strong she was. Turning the water up, he began washing the dishes, sorting through what little information he knew about her hostage crisis. He thought about the look on Ralph's face. That poor boy couldn't have understood exactly what he was getting into, yet he was partially responsible for the outcome. He couldn't keep his cool on the phone. He couldn't handle the situation he had gotten himself into.

He thought about Roxie. She had made the right choice – surrendering herself when she had the chance, before things got worse. Then again, he blamed her, too. He would blame anyone he could for the situation that had occurred.

As the plates were placed gently in the drying tub, Rafael dried his hands before reaching for a cloth to wipe down the table. He began with Noah's placemat and chair as Olivia came out.

"Out like a light," she informed. Her voice rang through the room despite her quiet tones. Rafael looked up with a small grin before continuing his cleaning routine. Olivia took a step closer, leaning against the peninsula that framed her kitchen. He could feel her eyes on him. "Rafael," she sighed. He didn't stop wiping at the table. It was clean enough, but he needed to move, to be keeping himself busy. "What are you thinking?"

He didn't answer immediately, his mind going step-by-step over the people he should blame. Ralph, Roxie, Joe, Tucker, Lucy, the woman who invited Olivia into the home. There were too many names that could come out of his mouth, but the only one he wanted to say didn't fall in that list.

Rafael paused his scrubbing, arm outstretched across the table and fingers clutching the wet cloth. He stepped past the chairs and into the kitchen, wiping down each counter thoroughly.

"Why," he stated quietly, the question inexplicable at first, but he stared at the cloth again while continuing his question. "Why did you go to that home without texting someone? Without telling me where you were going? Without having one of your own come with out?"

Rafael's voice was strained. He knew what he was asking. He knew what he was thinking. He was doing everything they were trained not to do – both intentionally and unintentionally. He was, in some small part of his mind, blaming Olivia for putting her life at risk when she had a son who needed her more than anything else and a boyfriend who loved her. Why would she risk her own safety when her squad depended on her to lead them? Why did she have so little regard for her own safety?

He waited for an answer, still unable to look at her as he began wiping down the stove. He hadn't spilled or splattered, but the feeling of the rough fabric beneath his fingers and the cool water slowly causing his skin to wrinkle from the prolonged contact was keeping him grounded in the conversation.

When Olivia didn't speak, Barba tossed the cloth into the sink, turning and leaning against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest, sighing. His eyes met hers and he could see the hurt that flashed through them, though she kept the rest of her expression calm. Liv always forgot that he could read her like an open book. Yet, he still wanted the answer. He needed to know if they had even crossed her mind. Had she once thought about what life would be like for them without her in it?

Had she once thought about what it meant if this was the end of her own life.

"Rafael," she finally whispered, shaking her head. He had pushed it too far and regretted it, but the can of worms was opened.

"You're talking to me about this, Liv. You're answering my question. Why?"

"Because I calculated the risk," she answered simply.

"You calculated the risk," he responded, amusement present in his voice as he shook his head. "So you assumed you couldn't get hurt."

"No," he heard her say, her voice quiet, but firm. "How likely was it that there was a hostage situation? It was supposed to be a well-person check, Rafi. I wasn't planning on this. I didn't intend on getting myself caught in a situation where I had to play the hero."

Rafael watched her carefully, her posture straightening as she defended her actions, eyes trained on him intently, practically begging him to push her, to question her intentions again. He knew it was wrong. He knew he was asking Olivia if she had wanted this, if she had done something to provoke the situation she found herself in.

He ran a hand over his face, his palm cupping his chin as he debated his next move. She was talking, which was more than he expected, and so far they hadn't wound up yelling or in tears. It was his chance. Barba knew that much. Yet, he didn't want to hurt her.

Throwing caution to the wind, arm dropping back down to hang by his side, he let words tumble from his lips without any further thought. "Did you," he paused, shaking his head and letting a nervous chuckle escape. "Did you ever think about Noah? Did you think about me?"

Olivia's eyes widened as she stared at him. Rafael stared back, refusing to give her a reason to think that he was leaving, mad, or upset with her. He just needed to know. He needed to know her priorities. He didn't even expect an answer. So low were his expectations that her steps around the peninsula into the kitchen toward him left Rafael with a shocked look in his eyes.

"Did I-" Olivia started to repeat the question as she stopped in front of him, almost toe-to-toe as she frowned intently. "Of _course_ I thought about you both," she murmured, her hand reaching up to cup his cheek, thumb scraping over his stubble. Rafael recognized that he hadn't shaved that day. It was uncommon for him, but in his exhaustion from her nightmare and his desire to quiet Noah so Olivia could rest even a little more, he hadn't bothered to do anything more than comb his hair back.

"I didn't want this, Rafael," she continued. "I didn't plan on it. I didn't think I would be in danger and I hate myself for knowing that I made a decision that could have destroyed my family," Olivia insisted. "But you don't get to blame me. This isn't your courtroom and I'm not your suspect."

She pulled her hand away from, taking a step back. Instinctively, Rafael stepped forward, shaking his head.

"You're right," he insisted, his voice scratchy and barely louder than a whisper. "I don't get to blame you, but I get to be scared. I get to have feelings – feelings I wouldn't normally have. I have a right to know that you aren't going to haphazardly throw yourself into danger every day. Because if you hadn't come home," he paused, his voice cracking in his last sentence. Barba swallowed hard, forcing himself to hold it together. "Don't do that to me again," he pleaded, voice filled with embarrassment and need that couldn't be described.

Olivia stared at him and Rafael would have given anything to know what she was thinking – what feelings were settling in her mind and what words were running through her brain. All he wanted was to know if he'd pushed too hard. In fact, he was certain he had. She was going to step back at any second, walk into her bedroom and slam the door. Or worse, walk out of the apartment.

He cleared that last thought. She wouldn't leave Noah. She might leave him, but never her son.

What he didn't expect was Olivia's step toward him and her hands resting firmly against either shoulder. They slowly found their way around his neck and he closed his eyes for a second, trying to decide what to do. Before he could step back, her lips were pressed against his firmly. Rafael briefly debated how healthy her reaction was.

Yet, he somehow threw caution to the wind.

He needed comfort. He needed her.

He needed a lot of things lately, and he wasn't about to deny himself relief from the painful nature of his thoughts. However brief that break may be.


	4. Chapter 4

Valley of Tomorrows

 **Summary:** Follows the storyline of _Townhouse Incident_ and beyond through the eyes of Rafael Barba. How will healing take place and their worlds change after Olivia's life is at risk – again. Will they be able to work through whatever demons resurface? Will their worlds ever be even remotely the same? Established Barson.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Law & Order: SVU, any of the characters, or any of the storylines referenced from the television show. I am making no profit off of this work of fiction. Any names, places, or events having similarity to real life occurrences are simply coincidence. Title comes from the song _Valley of Tomorrows_ by Needtobreathe.

 **A/N:** In the next chapter, you'll see a slightly reworked summary because this plot has taken on a mind of its own and is going to be handled differently than just their relationship. Totally AU after _Townhouse Incident_ , but I think it'll be okay. I think that's just the moment I used to springboard into my first ever Barson fic. This just. I needed to explore the Rafael/Noah connection, I think. Anyhow. Thanks for the reviews and for reading - keep them coming so I know how you're feeling! Enjoy!

 **Chapter 4**

Life was starting to fall into a new sense of normal, though they clearly weren't completely recovered from the incident that had happened only two weeks prior. Olivia being held at gunpoint wasn't something Rafael ever thought he could get past – especially when he'd witnessed it himself. They weren't arguing as often, however, and she had even let him sit in on part of a session with Dr. Lindstrom to talk healthily about both of their fears and understand one another.

Rafael had admitted to thinking that Olivia needed to exercise more caution in her career. After all, he worried not only for them but for Noah, now. It was the one topic Olivia was still seemingly hesitant to talk about. So much so that Rafael rarely brought it up, not wanting to upset her more than he had to. She had promised to be careful, though, and it was all he could ask. He knew that she would never stop putting others first on the job.

Nights were still restless most of the time, but they both slept better together, so Rafael had been spending the vast majority of his nights at Olivia's. It was easier to be there – given that Noah needed his bed, toys, and space. With so many changes, Rafael had been hesitant to push any further, but he also knew that they needed to disclose their relationship sooner rather than later, especially with Olivia rejoining her squad in the coming week. They had even started to talk about Olivia's wishes for Noah. Rafael insisted that he should be considered in Noah's future, as the two were already close. There were days when he had to consciously stop himself from referring to the toddler as his own son.

While he didn't think Olivia would argue to such a development, he also wanted to let her call the shots with her own child.

As he walked up the steps to Olivia's apartment, Rafael had to smile to himself. It had been a busy day in the office, but he managed to make it home in time for supper – stopping to pick up their favorite Thai food on the way. He'd had to bring home a bit of work with him, but he knew she'd understand. Their normal had quickly shifted into dinner and television with Rafael working. Olivia tended to stay up later and later, waiting until her eyelids couldn't hold themselves up anymore before laying down in bed.

On a good night, she would only have one nightmare.

On a bad night, Rafael was lucky to sleep more than two hours or so.

Knocking gently, he waited for the door to open, smiling softly as he watched the frame of his girlfriend appear in the doorway. Her hair was wet and she was already changed into his Harvard sweatpants and a white v-neck. Rafael could only assumed she'd recently showered, but he had no idea why. He also noted that there were no sounds of a toddler wreaking havoc on the small home. Stepping through the door, he kissed Olivia's cheek and walked beyond her, hearing her lock the door and double check that it was secure.

It had become their custom to ensure that the home was secured after arriving – sometimes triple checking for Olivia's own peace of mind. The likelihood of something going awry with them present was slim, but not impossible, and even Dr. Lindstrom had suggested coming up with a routine that put her at ease.

"You smell good," Rafael murmured as he started shedding layers of clothing, dropping his blazer, vest, and tie all over the pack of a chair. "Late shower? Where's Noah?"

The questions tumbled from his lips as he fumbled with his cufflinks and, having successfully removed them, slipped them into the pocket of his suit jacket before walking toward Olivia, letting the bag of food wait until she could answer him. He watched as she wandered toward him, her arms snaking easily around his torso as her head found his shoulder. Her hair soaked his lavender dress shirt, but he didn't complain in the slightest as his lips pressed into the top of her head and his own arm rested across her back and shoulders.

She seemed calm, which didn't necessarily surprise Rafael, but left him wondering what caused the early shower. Olivia had been fairly regimented in the last couple of weeks and her relief and not being alone in the apartment had been evident each night when he appeared. Today seemed different – but good.

"Noah," she started, her voice soothing Rafael even more as he tugged her closer, "wasn't feeling well today and decided to throw up his Goldfish and milk all over me. So after cleaning up the little man and laying him down, I showered and waited for you," she explained, her voice only giving away hints of concern for her son because Rafael knew her so well.

"Does he have a fever?" He asked softly.

"Not as of an hour ago and he didn't seem to have one at all during the day," she stated, eventually pulling back from Rafael and poking her finger into the bag of Thai food. Barba watched closely as she rolled the sides down to tug out styrofoam containers. The only sound was the material's squeak as she opened it, smelling what sat before her. She glanced over her shoulder with a smile. Rafael chuckled, immediately going into the kitchen for plates and silverware. "I assume," Olivia continued, having successfully laid out the four different entrees that Rafael had chosen for them. "That we're sharing all of this. Because if you think I will be content with just one choice, you're so very wrong."

Rafael laughed and nodded, "Anything for you, _mi amor_."

* * *

Grimacing, Rafael rolled over, untangling his hand from Olivia's as he checked what time it was by flipping his cell phone over on the night stand. He groaned as the bright light shone in his face, but realized quickly that it was only 2:27 in the morning. Noah's cries echoed through the apartment, but Olivia had yet to wake up. Rafael couldn't let her peaceful slumber be disturbed, as rare as it was anymore. He tossed his blankets to the side, moving gingerly to keep jostling Olivia.

He moved quickly into Noah's bedroom, not turning on the light to keep from shocking his own system. It was rare, at this point, for Noah to be the cause of a restless night, but he was clearly upset and the last thing Rafael would do is leave him to cry it out on his own. He knelt by Noah's bed, where the toddler sat up, holding his arms out as he continued to wail. Rafael quickly embraced the child, tugging him close and perching him on his hip.

He pressed a hand to Noah's forehead, pursing his lips as he moved it, slipping it under Noah's shirt to check his tummy as Rafael's mother used to do to him when he was young. Noah wasn't warm, but that didn't mean he wasn't still sick. Olivia said that Noah hadn't been feeling well most of the day, so whatever was causing his discomfort would likely take more than a few hours to dissipate entirely.

"What's wrong, chiquito?" Rafael murmured, rocking Noah as he stood, bouncing him on his hip walking to the kitchen. The movement and presence of another person seemed to calm the child. Rafael smiled at him, using his free hand to open the refrigerator and grabbing Noah's sippy cup that had been replenished with Pedialyte at Olivia's instruction before they all went to bed. He held it out for Noah who grasped it with one tiny hand, the other draped over Barba's shoulder. He took a small sip, and then another. While Noah drank, Rafael used his foot to shut the refrigerator door, balancing everything quite easily.

After a few sips, Rafael took it back and set it on the counter, tucked behind his and Olivia's coffee mugs for the morning. He knew he needed to make sure that the small amount that Noah had just consumed wouldn't be revisiting them. Noah pouted, but Rafael refused to give in, finding his normal spot on the couch and situating Noah on top of him.

"Mama says you're not feeling well, huh?" he asked, Noah's eyes trained on Rafael as he sat mostly still. A hand traveled up to his eyes, rubbing them gently before he held his head, finally collapsing into Rafael's chest. The prosecutor couldn't help but cherish the moment, even if he was tired. Noah's eyes had yet to close, though, so Rafael rubbed soothing, gentle circles on his back. He had to sit in disbelief for a moment, musing at the fact that several months ago he could barely handle holding Noah, let alone waking up with him in the middle of the night. Now, however, Noah being in his arms was second nature. He had fit seamlessly into this life, and while it didn't necessarily make sense, he certainly wasn't about to deny that it felt better than anything he had ever been able to have before.

"You know, Noah," he continued, his voice gentle and soothing in his attempt to lull the toddler back to sleep. "Your mama loves you so much, she smiles whenever someone says your name or something reminds her of you. I love watching her with you because you make the world right," he informed, lips brushing against the top of Noah's head. "I love her so much and that love brought me you. So how about it, let's say we declare ourselves as our own little family now? You, Mama, and Me. Okay?"

"Love, Rafi," Noah muttered quietly before his eyes drifted shut. Rafael smiled, letting himself lean comfortable against the arm of the couch and falling asleep himself. A protective arm holding Noah securely to his chest and the rise and fall of his chest both comforting and protecting Noah from all harm.

* * *

The first thing Rafael noticed as he started to be pulled from his slumber was that the weight of Noah was no longer present against his chest. He moved his hand up his body as though he was going to stretch, but sat up straight as he looked around for the toddler who had been previously resting with him. Relief flooded every feature as he found Noah with Olivia, her smile bright as she settled him into his booster seat at the table with dry toast in front of him.

"Mierda," he breathed, rubbing a hand over his face before stepping toward the table. He was still in a pair of plaid pajama pants with no shirt and Olivia looked over, smirking as she took in all of him with her eyes. Rafael shook his head, not stopping to give her the chance to continue her visual assault. He reached for a coffee mug and filled it to the brim with the fresh pot she'd clearly prepared. "Time is it?" he asked, minimally making any effort to get all of the words out.

Olivia chuckled, walking over and stealing a kiss before paying attention to the eggs she was making on the stove. She flipped it over before attending to the bagel that had just popped up out of the toaster. "Good morning to you, too, sleepy head," she offered, glancing at the clock. "Six-thirty. You need to leave soon, but your breakfast sandwich is almost done."

Rafael murmured a thank you as he continued taking long, drawn-out gulps from his coffee mug, finishing nearly two-thirds of it before refilling. "Did you sleep through the night?" he asked gently, finding himself shocked that he hadn't woken from her after Noah's early morning melt down.

"I did," she smiled. "But you didn't."

"I slept enough," he reasoned, walking over to Noah with a smile on his face. He ran his hand over Noah's hair once, mug still in his other hand. "Didn't we, chiquito?"

Noah's arms stretched up toward Rafael, toast still being clutched in one hand with small pieces crumbling everywhere. Rafael laughed, shaking his head and instructing Noah to eat wordlessly, simply pointing at the bread. He returned his attention to Olivia and sighed softly. The unspoken was about to become real and he didn't want to have the conversation.

"So, I was thinking that we should probably take care of disclosing our relationship before you return to work," he started gently. He didn't know what she would say, but he knew that someone was bound to pick up on their careful glances and not-so-hidden touches. He wouldn't be able to hide it forever and if he was ever going to approach her about being more to Noah than just the man who slept in his mother's bed, he needed to know that everyone could witness their relationship.

Olivia didn't look away from the pan she was tending, but her voice could still be heard throughout the room. "I don't know if it's time," she answered quietly, sounds of hesitancy in her voice.

Rafael took a deep breath before allowing himself a long draw from his coffee mug. If now wasn't the time, then when? He couldn't have her hurt or held hostage again and not be able to say anything beyond professional courtesies. He didn't want them to wind up in a situation like she and Cassidy were in not too long prior if one of them ever was accused of something inappropriate or unlawful. God forbid something happen to Noah or her and no one would think to tell him.

He shook his head, taking a step toward her. "Now," he stated firmly. "Is the right time. I won't do this again. I won't have you being hurt and me not knowing everything."

"And if one of us has to leave?" she asked, turning around to look at him over her shoulder. "I don't want to stop working with you, too."

He paused, trying to decode every emotion present in her voice. He heard the fear and panic, the hesitation. He didn't want to lose their day-to-day work interaction, but not disclosing meant he could lose this. Coming home to her at night, waking up when Noah was scared or sick, hurried kisses as they wandered out of the door. Losing any of that would be far worse for him than losing his position with her unit at work.

"I will fight," Rafael insisted. "I will fight to keep my position, but if one of us has to be transferred, it can be me. These moments – the ones over breakfast and after dinner are more important than my job, Olivia. Please?"

She bit her lower lip, nodding slowly.

Rafael smiled, setting down his coffee mug and wrapping his arms around her, tugging her hands from the pan. The eggs looked almost burnt, but they could wait another thirty seconds. Decisively, he pressed his lips into hers, kissing her fiercely. He felt her give way to his touches and her own arms wrapped around him, each movement matched in intensity.

They continued on momentarily, the world stopping around them. Somehow, they would be entirely okay. Rafael didn't know how or when, but they would.

Nothing could break up their moment. It was near perfection. Until he heard a banging on the table and felt Olivia pulling away just in time to look at her son, a smile erupting on her features – truly – for the first time in weeks.

"More, Mama!" He called, waving his sippy cup in the air.

Yes, Rafael decided internally, he was exactly where he wanted to be – sick child, loving girlfriend, and a future that looked brighter than anyone could imagine regardless of where he wound up working.

Somehow, though, he knew not to get too attached to the perfection. It took only a moment for all of that to change.


	5. Chapter 5

Valley of Tomorrows

 **Summary:** Follows the storyline of _Townhouse Incident_ and beyond through the eyes of Rafael Barba. How will healing take place? Will they be able to work through whatever demons resurface? And what happens when Noah's health is compromised in ways neither of them saw coming? Established Barson.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Law & Order: SVU, any of the characters, or any of the storylines referenced from the television show. I am making no profit off of this work of fiction. Any names, places, or events having similarity to real life occurrences are simply coincidence. Title comes from the song _Valley of Tomorrow_ by Needtobreathe.

 **A/N:** I took liberties. I don't think Olivia and Rafael would be allowed to continue working together in real life, but what fun would that be? So they are. I feel like I'm moving so slow, so I'm sorry, but it's how I write. I like knowing every step. All of the details. We're getting out of the fluff, though, and into some angsty stuff here soon. Note the revised summary.

 **Chapter 5**

"Mr. Barba, this office appreciates your openness in coming forward with this situation. We know that it must have been a difficult decision to make when you found yourself in this position. We will have to speak with Lt. Benson's superiors as well and make a decision about monitoring this situation, do you understand?"

Rafael stared at his boss with a calm and collected demeanor. There was no immediate backlash, giving him hope that the backlash would simply be minimal and they would be allowed to continue working together so long as they could be professional on the job. He knew there would be limits and challenges, though. If she was ever in danger again and charges had to be brought against someone, Rafael would never prosecute that. Every time she took the stand as one of his witnesses, the defense would do everything in their power to discredit her testimony due to their relationship.

Yet, they weren't immediately kicking him off of all SVU cases. That had to count for something, didn't it?

"Yes, sir," Rafael stated with a nod. "I assure you that we can remain professional. Lt. Benson has also gone to talk to One P.P. today. All parties will be fully informed."

Rafael let the corners of his lips turn upwards just slightly – just enough to let off a feeling of relief. It was completely official. They had decided together on a date – the Friday before Olivia's return to work the next week – to disclose. They would tell her squad in time, but she wanted a smooth return to the office. No first day surprises.

"Good," the DA sitting across from him said easily before standing up and walking around the table to Rafael, holding out his hand. "Benson is good people, Rafael, and as your friend, I hope you both are happy."

"We are," Rafael smiled broadly. "Very."

* * *

He had finished his day in court, completing jury selection for his newest trial, but not before having called Olivia to tell her that his supervisors weren't too concerned about the news of their relationship. He was relieved to hear a light and comfortable voice on the other end of the line, saying she would tell him the whole story after supper, but that all was well for her, too.

She was in the back of his mind the entire time he threw question after question at potential juror. For some reason, he didn't feel right about the final selection, but it had been agreed upon and he was relieved it was over. Olivia had been able to tell from the moment he walked through the door later than he'd planned, briefcase filled heavy with files. Noah sat in his seat at the table, covered in ketchup.

Olivia had immediately walked up to him and taken the briefcase, frowning at its weight before sitting it down at their feet. "Welcome home," she murmured gently, Rafael humming quietly as she pushed his coat over his shoulders. He had already gone to his own apartment to change, clearly, as she found a maroon long-sleeved Henley atop of his jeans.

"I saved you supper," she informed him. Rafael heard the concern, but didn't address it yet. He just couldn't. Even if it was a good night and he tried to leave work at the office, sometimes he carried the faces of a victim home with him. All he wanted was justice, and sometimes it felt like an uphill battle. Unfortunately, this case was.

He smiled as best as he could, leaning forward to steal a kiss from his girlfriend. Her hand pressed into her cheek as she cupped his face and Rafael lost himself in the moment, deepening their contact. He noticed that Olivia responded readily and relief flooded his being. His arms snaked around her waist as he pulled her close.

He had almost forgotten about everything else in his life until a small voice rang out through the home. "Rafi," he heard squealed, a small laugh escaping after in the same voice.

Smirking, the prosecutor glanced at Olivia with a glint in his eyes. "There will be more of that later," he insisted, kissing her swiftly before walking across the floor and stopping at the table. He picked up a napkin, almost immediately cleaning up the face of the toddler before staring at his plate.

"Chiquito, why aren't you eating?"

He heard a sigh from Olivia and immediately observed her frustration. Noah's behavior since getting ill earlier in the week had been inconsistent at best. He'd been sent home from daycare once because of a fever. That symptom had come and gone for the remainder of the week and some days Noah slept for hours on end and other days seemed fine. Continuing to clean him up, Rafael took a mental inventory of the plate. A few bites of chicken tenders had been eaten, but it appeared that the majority of his fries were still present and Noah had barely touched his applesauce – a favorite food of his. All that had been truly utilized was his ketchup, but instead of consuming the condiment it had become a tool for artistry that covered both his being and the table in front of him.

Barba lifted Noah from his seat, kissing his forehead before setting him on the floor and instructing him to go play. He looked back to Olivia, head tilted in a questioning manner.

"He hasn't eaten all day. Or yesterday," she explained. Rafael hadn't been over the night before – instead prepping for his case until the late hours of the night and sleeping at his own apartment out of convenience more than anything. The news definitely worried him, and in his mind he found himself trying to come up with all of the reasons Noah might be avoiding food. Olivia's soft voice pulled Rafael from his thoughts. "He had a slight fever yesterday, but I called the doctor and she said to just keep an eye on him. It could be a bug."

Rafael smiled and nodded, relieved that all would be fine. At least, as far as they knew. He moved Noah's plate over to the sink, rinsing it and putting it in the dishwasher before turning to Olivia. "You mentioned dinner?"

She served each of them a salad with chicken breast and rice. It was simple, but perfect in Rafael's opinion. He didn't need much in life, anyway. He seemed far more over the top than he was. They sat down together, listening to the sounds of a toddler as they ate, Rafael sharing how unlikely it was to convict a thirteen-year-old's rapist in the coming days.

Olivia seemed to listen to each word and take in everything, asking him questions she could predict would come up at trial. He answered easily, only being stumped once or twice. As they finished eating, she laid Noah down for bedtime and he poured them drinks, settling into the couch with ease. There were conversations to be had. Conversations that didn't need to be heard by small ears.

* * *

His eyes were trained on her lips as she placed them against the wine glass, deep red liquid slipping easily past the barrier as she closed her eyes, pulling the glass away. He could almost taste her beverage, though he was drinking scotch himself. Her swallow was intentional, and if he could find the words to use, he would tell her just how sexy she was in every moment.

As she swirled the wine in her glass, he heard her voice again. She hadn't sounded so secure and confident since being held hostage and it was a relief to Rafael that she could overcome so quickly. Certainly, there were still steps to be walked, but it was less overwhelming in that moment than it had been for weeks.

"And then Tucker," she murmured, shaking her head before laughing. "Tucker had to be a smart ass who informed me that he'd known since that day we called him out. He said that no prosecutor would be that involved, that passionate, in a hostage negotiation if there wasn't something personal at stake. Plus, I called you when it came to taking care of Noah."

Rafael sipped on his scotch, nodding slowly. He knew Olivia defended him, but he still kicked himself for being so obvious. They had talked about the need for discretion almost daily for the last eight months, and in one day he had managed to show his hand.

"But overall, they said that no immediate changes needed to be made," Olivia breathed out, reaching over to take Rafael's hand and smile. "So now, we just need to tell our team."

It didn't slip past him that Olivia had stated that they had to tell _their_ team. Not hers, but theirs. He smirked, realizing the significance of that moment. They were hers. SVU had always been Olivia's place. Despite every time that she found herself in danger and encouraged to leave the unit, she had stayed. She would always be a Special Victims cop. He knew that. He would never ask her to leave unless she made the choice to walk away.

Then he would support her fully through that.

"We'll tell them when you're ready," he nodded, opening his mouth to thank her for acknowledging how much that team had come to mean to him through her words, but he was interrupted.

Noah's soft whimpers became more obvious as he toddled into the living room slowly. He kept repeating his name for Olivia – Mama – over and over as he stopped in front of the couch, practically walking into it, which elicited louder, more severe cries.

Rafael took Olivia's wine glass to set it down as she lifted Noah into her lap. For the first time in many months, he almost felt disdain toward the toddler – but as soon as he recognized the emotion he forced himself to reconsider. Noah was two years old and couldn't possibly know what he was interrupting. Not that it was anything hot and heavy, but their conversation was intimate and intentional. It was rare to have those moments.

Olivia's soft voice enveloped Noah and Rafael watched as concern laced her features. She ran a hand over his head before sliding it up Noah's shirt, feeling his back and moving around to his small tummy. She shook her head and bit her lower lip.

"Raf," she murmured, catching his gaze. He saw a fear in her brown eyes he rarely noticed. Fear for someone else. Olivia could take whatever the world threw at her, but when someone she loved was hurting, he knew her to fall apart in a completely different way. "He's burning up."

The next several moments moved in overdrive. Rafael retrieved Noah's thermometer from his bedroom as he continued to cry, clutching Olivia as though she would disappear if his little fists released their grip on her sweater. When Olivia read 104 degrees Fahrenheit off of the screen, Rafael nodded, quickly gathering jackets and shoes for each of them.

He slipped shoes onto Noah's small feet as Olivia continued to rock and comfort her son. The cycle of events was almost wordless until Rafael took Noah into his arms, running a hand over the toddler's dark hair and kissing his forehead. Noah continued to cry, clearly not feeling well. Rafael glanced at Olivia – watching her slip on a coat and shoes - who nodded.

"It could be nothing," she started.

Rafael shook his head, cutting her off. "His fever is above 103. We take him to the ER, find out that he's fine, and come home. It's better safe than sorry, mi amor. Our son deserves the best."

Olivia stared at Rafael for a moment. He didn't know why – the words that came out of his mouth not connecting with his brain in his worry.

"What are you staring at?"

"Did you mean that?"

Rafael was growing impatient. Of course he meant what he said. Noah deserved the best care at all moments. There was nothing that could stop him from providing care for their child.

And then he understood.

"Of course I did," he nodded, starting to move toward the door. "But we need to talk about it later. Noah needs a doctor," he whispered, handing the toddler back to Olivia. Noah settled against her chest, still whimpering.

"Hurts, mama," he whined.

"Where, baby?" Olivia asked, no longer paying direct attention to her boyfriend as he ushered them out of the door, ready to hail a cab. He saw Noah's hand rest on his own head and frowned. Two year olds weren't always dependable in terms of their communication, but Noah seemed certain about this.

Olivia sighed and kissed Noah's forehead.

Rafael followed them out the door, placing his hand in the small of Olivia's back, following her down the stairs and onto the street. They couldn't get to Mercy soon enough. All anyone needed was to know that Noah was okay.


	6. Chapter 6

Valley of Tomorrows

 **Summary:** Follows the storyline of _Townhouse Incident_ and beyond through the eyes of Rafael Barba. How will healing take place? Will they be able to work through whatever demons resurface? And what happens when Noah's health is compromised in ways neither of them saw coming? Established Barson.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Law & Order: SVU, any of the characters, or any of the storylines referenced from the television show. I am making no profit off of this work of fiction. Any names, places, or events having similarity to real life occurrences are simply coincidence. Title comes from the song _Valley of Tomorrow_ by Needtobreathe.

 **A/N:** Short chapter... Roxie's back. Hah. I was on vacation last weekend and then life has been crazy. This is not abandoned, though! Promise! Just had to find time to write it. Review if you get a chance, because I appreciate them and love them! Hope you enjoy!

 **Chapter 6**

Barba stood in Olivia's office. Noah was being kept company by his mother until Lucy arrived at the hospital mid-morning. Olivia had her first day back at work, and they'd met Dodds bright and early so she could receive her gun and badge back, being deemed competent to hold a weapon and not be at risk to harm herself or others with it. He was leaning haphazardly against her desk, listening to her sift through paperwork that was awaiting her.

Their weekend had been spent watching Noah improve at the hospital with no real answers. His fever had lowered with antibiotics, but his test results seemed to come back mostly normal. Nonetheless, but last night he had returned to his normal self, playing with blocks in his hospital crib and carrying on conversations with Rafael and Olivia about whatever popped into his three-year-old mind. He had even started eating again.

Once his finished his new round of antibiotics, Noah would go to his pediatrician for a follow-up. Olivia had insisted she would look for more answers and fought the longer course of medication, but in the end the doctors won out.

Rafael had mostly kept quiet. He had limited parenting experience. Olivia hadn't hesitated to remind him in the hospital of some of his earliest interactions with _their_ son. They were both getting used to the feeling of combining their lives into one. So much so, that talks escalated quickly in terms of talking about Rafael adopting Noah, too. Yet, they had other steps to take first and speaking through the logistics had been too much in hushed tones in the corner of a hospital room while they let Noah rest. Too many steps had to be taken – steps that needed to happen in the right order and at the right times.

* * *

 _Rafael sat next to the crib-turned-bed in Noah's hospital room, his finger held tightly in the young boy's fist. He heard Noah's monitors beeping steadily and watched the IV drip slowly, medicine that was supposed to heal the illness causing pain and discomfort. In the background, Olivia's breathing was steady. He glanced over his shoulder, smiling to himself as he took her in. She was beautiful – even in exhaustion. She'd insisted on staying awake with Noah that first night in the hospital and Rafael had gone home to sleep before returning first thing in the morning, taking the next shift._

 _Yet, upon his arrival, complete with freshly washed hair and stubble from not wanting to waste the time on a clean shave, Olivia refused to leave. Which was exactly why he had come with a bagel and clean clothing for her. He'd managed to finagle an extra warm blanket from Noah's nurse and got Olivia comfortable and covered in a chair before returning his attention to Noah, who was also sleeping._

 _They remained mostly interrupted, Noah's fussing easily abated by Rafael's soothing voice, humming lullabies he remembered his abuelita singing to him on sleepless nights. It seemed to work, and he was thankful. The only other invasion into their too-sterile room was the occasional nurse checking vitals and one visit from a hospital doctor, who insisted that the fever was dropping and that it was a good sign, but they had no other news._

 _His own eyes drifted shut as he held his watch. Rafael didn't know how long he had been resting when Olivia's voice pulled him out of his semi-conscious state._

" _Do you remember the first time you held him?" she asked, her voice filled with the laziness that came from trying to fight the hold slumber could have. "You made fun of how messy my apartment was and then held him like he had just had an explosive diaper and you didn't want it on your precious three-piece suit."_

 _Rafael laughed quietly, his own tired mind reaching back to the memory. That day had been the first time he realized what the world might be like if Olivia lost her son. If Johnny D got to take away the person who had come to matter most to her. The fear in her voice and the hollow look in her eyes as she hugged her son close, her cheek pressed to his hair, was forever imprinted in his memory. Rafael would never intentionally_

" _It didn't take long for me to fall in love with him, though. Or you," he said quietly, eyes trained on the small child in front of him. "Nor did it take long to get used to holding him. I'm sure he appreciated the development in that skill set as well."_

" _He loves you, you know," she stated, her voice insistent as she walked across the room. He listened to her footsteps and relaxed into the hand that she placed on his shoulder._

" _This is my family," he agreed gently. "No changing that. The good news, though, is that his fever is down."_

 _He felt her lips press against his cheek, though Rafael didn't move any further and allowed the moment to simply be. Sometimes, sitting in the silence – even when it was infiltrated by the beeps of machines and monitors – was more than enough comfort for both of them._

* * *

Fin knocked on the door to Olivia's office and Rafael quickly stood from the spot he was perched at, reaching for his jacket as though to signal that he was leaving. Olivia motioned for her detective to enter and instead stood to the opposite side of her desk, placing a hand on his forearm. His eyes locked with hers and he nodded once, leaning against the desk again.

His eyes trailed over to Fin's face, taking in his reaction. He smirked. It was smug, and almost made Rafael feel angry, but to his surprise, relief flooded his body. Fin knew. It was obvious. Of course he did, though. He had worked with Olivia longer than anyone else in that precinct. He knew her almost as well as Rafael did. In the times of talking through secrets, he knew that Fin held some of Olivia's and he held them close. He had helped her – saved her, even – when things seemed impossible.

"Welcome back," he smiled, holding out his hand in an offering for Olivia. She easily slipped her hand into his before pulling him close and embracing him in a firm, but completely platonic embrace. "I thought I'd catch you up before we found ourselves in full-force. It's been a crazy few weeks."

Olivia nodded, quickly stepping back and sitting behind her desk again, motioning to the chairs across from her for both men to sit.

It was Fin's next comment that seemed to catch them both off guard, however.

"Although, I'm going to bet that the counselor here has taken care of that for me. That's what the early morning visit was for, right?"

Rafael glanced between Olivia and Fin, letting her control the moment. She's the one that didn't want to drop anything on the squad yet. She's the one who wanted to take disclosure slow. Yet, he knew that wasn't how things worked in SVU. Even personal lives seemed to become the business of everyone around them.

Olivia pushed a stray hair behind her ear, folding her hands in front of her on her desk and leaning forward slightly. She smiled as she caught Rafael's eye and he knew what was happening. The twinkle was mischievous, but full of love.

"You know, fill me in on cases, bring me a cup of coffee, give me a kiss before he left for his own office," she offered playfully, waiting for Fin's reaction. She was testing the waters. Rafael could see it. If Fin reacted well, she might be ready to let her entire team know.

And did he ever want the team to know. If the team knew, he could shout it from the mountaintops.

Or grab her ass whenever he wanted.

Rafael shook his own head, catching the attention of the others as his lips turned upward in a small, but definite, smile. No, he would never be allowed to grab her ass at work. Yet, a man could dream.

"'Bout damn time," Fin smiled with a nod. "How long?"

"Since the day after Noah's adoption was finalized," Olivia admitted without missing a beat. "Officially, at least."

Rafael heard his phone ding with a text message and pulled it out, frowning. "I'm needed at my office," he breathed, voice filled with more tension than he wanted to let on. "I'll text you about lunch. I don't know how long this meeting will take, but I'll let you know."

He stood up, each action hurried as he walked around Olivia's desk, kissing her cheek.

Olivia nodded as she watched him approach the door, pausing only to turn and make eye contact with Fin. "I expect you toe be discreet, Tutuola. We've kept this a secret for some time and the last thing we need is all of New York's finest murmuring about it at the water cooler."

The prosecutor didn't even wait for an answer as he let himself out of the precinct. He knew he would have to explain himself to Olivia later, but didn't also didn't feel the need to worry her. Noah coming home was a big enough event for the afternoon. His meeting did not need to be on his radar.

He successfully avoided conversation with Carisi as he slipped on a coat and left the precinct.

* * *

Walking into the small conference room afforded his guests at Hogan Place – having insisted they not enter his office without his presence – he dropped his briefcase on the chair next to where he would be sitting, facing down both an attorney and her client – one whom he was surprised to see wearing something other than an orange jumpsuit.

"Ms. Volkov," he nodded at the suspect. "Mr. Shankman, your client surrendered. I'm not sure what you're expecting from this meeting."

"We have something you may be interested in," the legal aid attorney offered. Rafael frowned. He didn't like where this was going, and he was barely willing to hear it out. Barely. "Roxie, would you care to share or should I?"

The redhead bit her lower lip, nodding slowly. "It would be my pleasure."


End file.
